Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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