I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
