summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
