fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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