I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
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you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
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Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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