well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I think I have vodka in my lungs
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
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