Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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