my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
