Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
