at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
