Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
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Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
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