Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
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Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
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You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
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