remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
operation harelip BJ is a go
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
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