if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
two words: eviction party
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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