mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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