I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
