i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
