Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
