"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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