very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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