we have pet lesbian snakes
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
