I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
