Nicole vs. Life
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
