I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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