Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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