I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Michael Bay diarrhea
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
