I was born with a shot glass in my hand
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
