Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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