i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Non-Jews are for practice
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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