i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
