You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
