please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
