i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
