Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
