On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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