I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Randomize
