Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
