I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
