i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Randomize
