you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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