His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
