I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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