No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
