TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
