i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
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