i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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