it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
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