I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
