when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
