You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
