I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
