Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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