do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
