You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Randomize
