God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
23 Bisexuals Confess The Biggest Differences Between Dating People Of Each Sex
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
These 25 Ruthless Teachers Embarrassed Their Students
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.