Your mouth is God's brothel.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
my being single is dangerous.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.