i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
